Begin anew!

Oh, well...look who decided to show up!
This is how I feel!
I have been painfully neglecting this blogging gig!
Well, for you few readers out there that may still be tagging along on my Reinvention journey,
I have 3 words for ya...
I am back!
I cannot promise for how long, but I am here now!

So...without further ado,
the gears in my noggin have been grinding away at a steady, sometimes frantic, pace.
There are days were the minutes fly by WAY too fast,
and at the end of the day I feel like the famous Salvador Dali clock, you know that droopy, exhausted looking clock...yep, that's me!

Be forewarned...
I have engaged in quite a bit of thinking lately!
(she thinks, she really thinks)
I have been going back to school for quite some time now,
on a path to somewhere in the medical field, but a little unclear of where I am going to end up.
And this is what I have been thinking about.
I have come to the conclusion that the reason why I cannot not decide because...
Should I be a nurse?
Should I be a surgical tech?
If I am a nurse, should I eventually get my master's?
How about a Physician Assistant?
The reason I cannot decide is because
I want to be a Doctor!
I know what you are thinking...
because, trust me...
I have thought all these thoughts myself!
So many things make this dream completely, over the moon,
unrealistic!

Oh- I'm too old!
My kids are too young!
The fact that I have kids is enough to make it unrealistic!
It's so expensive!
Am I even smart enough?
And the list goes on for miles...

But, here is the thing...
Serendipity has worked its wonder lately and pleaded it's case!
In the recent weeks I have been fortunate enough to have some great insight bestowed upon me.
I was talking to a patient in the ER a couple of weeks ago, who turned out to be a physician herself. She asked why I am volunteer, so we talking about me not being able to decide which direction to go. And I told her how if I was younger I would love to be a Doctor.
So, she asked how old I was.
I respond in a ho-hum manner...
"33-just way too old!"
And she said...
" Are you kidding me? I didn't start medical school until my mid-thirties.
Life happens, I had three children! But I wasn't going to let that stop me!
And since when is there an age limit?
If you want to be a Doctor, then go be a Doctor!"

And...
so the next day I started my summer classes.
I tried all Spring to get into an online section of one of the classes I am taking.
Well, that didn't happen, but one spot did open up in the typical classroom setting so I took it!
And I am sooooo glad I did!
One of the first things my teacher said was,
"You are not getting older, you are just getter better!
In 10 years, you will still be 10 years older, but in that 10 years, what will you spend your time doing?
Will you live up to your potential?
Or will you say I should-a, could-a, would-a?

The words of these two angels have resonated in my head like a drum.
I cannot stop thinking about what they have said.
I have begun thinking about it this way...
I want to be the best example I can for my 2 children.
I want to teach them to empower themselves and to aim high!
What am I teaching them if I just settle for a life unfulfilled?
Am I teaching them it is OK to settle?
My mom always says she wishes she would have gone to law school
(And one hell of a great lawyer she would make! I tell her she could still do it!)
I don't want to wish I would have done something!

What do you dream about?
Are you living and working towards you dream?
If not...why?

Angry...very angry!

I got a B on my Micro test! Not a happy camper! I can do better...and I will. My teacher assured me I can still pull off an A!

Random what-nots and such!

Up to my ears in flowers!

I am making wedding invitations for an old friend. I haven't done this in awhile...so I have kinda forgotten how time consuming a little weekend project like this actually is! I am, by no means, complaining...I enjoy busy work! That is why I have agreed to punch out 450 of these little purple flowers and then glue a little shiny-bling-bling onto each one! No- I am not crazy!

Speaking of crazy...I was asked that the other night by a patient in the ER. For those of you who don't know, I am a volunteer in the emergency department of one of our local hospitals. I go to the ER every Thursday night, mind my own business and quietly do the work asked of me, and then some. If a patient wants to talk I will most definitely lend a listening ear...I have learned a lot of people just like to talk and know that someone is listening! So...this past Thursday was no exception! While stocking one of the last rooms before I was done for the night, the patient said
to me, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy or something?". So I politely respond, "Excuse me?". A very bitter man he was, continued on..."What? You ain't got anything better to do? You must be really bored. " I told the man, that I was going back to school to pursue a medical career, and volunteering is a great way to get a feel for the environment, mainly the ER environment because I either want to work in surgery or emergency. I went on to tell him that, yes, indeed, I do happen to a life and I am working hard to create an even better one, not just
for me, but for my family. His response was..."What do you know, you are just a volunteer!"
I said, "well, sir...I do already have a bachelor's degree and working on another
one, but more importantly...I don't think it hurts anyone to devote a little of your time and give something back. " I also told him when my children are older they will volunteer their time for something they believe in. At this point, I told him I had to move on and it was nice talking to him! He had only one tooth by the way!

Volunteering in the hospital has been one of the best things I have done in a long time! I love every minute I spend in the hospital. Not only does it solidify the fact that I am moving in the right direction, but it makes me feel good. I swear...if you are in need of a little pick me up, something to put a little bounce back in your step, do yourself a favor...volunteer somewhere. The hospital, homeless shelter, go read books to children in under-privileged schools.
Follow your heart!

My happy feet!

The one part of my body that won't get fat is my feet! That is why I adore shoes! Not cute trendy ones! I go for the comfort factor all the way! Gone are the days of wearing cute, but painful heels. Speaking of which...I have a favorite pair of leopard print heels that I absolutely love but I hardly wear because my old feet are so used to clogs! I have been a fan of Dansko clogs for many years now. I have been pining over these leopard clogs for about a year now. Thinking they would still embody the leopard print that I love so much, AND...I could wear them for hours and my feet would thank me for not shoving them in to those dreaded heels again, and let's not forget the extra inch of height I get out of them! So...with some of the birthday loot I received, I finally did it and splurged on my new favorite shoes! I know you may be thinking they are gaudy and what-not....But I love them! My feet are happy!

I will be listening to this in my treehouse!

Happy Up Here from Röyksopp on Vimeo.

If you need me, you can find me in my Magical Treehouse!

Lately I have been feeling like the closer I get, the farther everything seems to slip away. You know...that whole 2 steps forward 3 steps back concept. Just when I think I am getting somewhere, it turns out I am not getting anywhere, like I am just running in place. This whole mentality seems to have contaminated everything in my life right now...kids, marriage, friendships (or lack thereof), school, home, etc....I am stretched so thin right now, completely overwhelmed, and numb. I think this is what they call "The Winter Blues"! Sun, spring, fresh air gently blowing through open windows, flowers and the sound of chirping birds cannot come soon enough! I wish I had a magical treehouse. My own little enchanted fortress in the sky! I would go there, and stay there until Spring makes its debut!

Someone was listening!

For any of you who mustered up the patience to read my last post...I am sorry- truly, deeply sorry! It was whiny, depressing, and flat out annoying! No one wants to read about my pity party!
I had just been having a few of those really bad days when nothing seemed to go right.

So,without further ado, on with some better news, unfortunately new that maybe I only find interesting! i am going to tell you anyway!

It's about school.
I was enrolled in an 8am microbiology course. Call me lazy if you want (I can take it), but I was having an extremely hard time getting the kids ready and out the door to preschool, then getting myself to class by 8am, 7:50 if I was a really good student!. So I began begging and pleading...no, I ain't too proud to beg...with all the other microbiology teachers to let me switch into another class. I even talked to a chemistry teacher to switch into a chem class, anything...just not so early in the morning! Well...it was no's all around, even though there were still openings in some of these classes. This is about when I wrote my last post, obviously feeling pretty like the lady of misfortune, down on my luck! Boo hoo!
Well...I was online, just seconds away from dropping Microbiology all together and just figured I would wait until the summer to take it..which, by the way, would not have been smart for two reasons...one, time is not really on my side seeing as thought I am not getting any younger, therefore I have to make the most of the time I do have to devote to class... and two, microbiology is hard enough as it is when taken in the length of a normal semester. During summer classes the material is the same just condensed into a short length of time.

So...somewhere along the way, the universe must have caught wind of my moaning and groaning and put cosmic forces to work. With the stroke of luck, one of the teachers I had been pestering sent me an email asking how 'does Monday & Wednesday night sound?' Uh...without hesitation, any hesitation at all...I responded "absolutely", got in my car and went to class! Just like that! Just like that, I went from Downer Dotty to the happiest girl on the planet! Persistence pays!
And just to add icing to the cake and make this deal even sweeter...this awesome girl in the class offered me her notes, which happened to be all typed out!!!

I won the school lottery!

It's been awhile!

To my few, but dearly treasured, readers...
greetings and happy new year!

So...a good bit of time has passed since I last wrote. One might think I should have a ton of new things to talk about, but the truth is I don't!
I know, I know...how extremely boring!

But the reality is I have been chillin' under a rock for the last month or so doing a lot of brainstorming (yes, there is indeed a brain somewhere lodged up in this noggin of mine for those of you who may question the thought of me brainstorming)! Keeping with this theme of mine to "Re-invent myself"- better myself, become someone of substance that my kids might look up to someday, someone my husband might actually look up to too, someone that is worthy...well, has become a bit daunting and overwhelming. The more I attempt to pave the way to this "better person", the more confused and frustrated I get. There is just so, so much I want to change. My biggest problem is I want it all to happen...yesterday!

After many insomnia-ridden nights, and almost frying my brain 'til there was no more, I thought of a quote that I am particularly fond of:
"You cannot push a river, you just have to let it flow" (author unknown).
Well, I have a new goal...learning how to be CONTENT.
I say "learn" because I think this is half my battle!
I am never satisfied with who I am. But, ya know I am just downright sick and tired of not liking myself. It takes a lot of energy to dislike yourself as much as I do. It would be much easier to just find the positives! I mean...I can't be that bad! I have two great kids, who are in part, a piece of me! I love them...why not love myself, right? However, this learning the art of being content thing is going to be a monster challenge. Learning to accept some of the things I wish I was not... Not walking down the street wishing I could look more like her, dress more like that, or be funny like so and so,...well, this is damn near impossible, but I am going to give it a shot! I have to. If I want to be the person my kids will look up to, this self-loathing crap isn't going to get me there what-so-ever! And that's a fact!
I am who I am!
I've got what I've got!
Now I have to learn to live with that!
I have to learn that the feeling of buying that great pair of shoes (that I don't need) is short lived.
And...yes, of course... losing weight will make me feel more confident... but what's a fit body matter when you have a brain full of mush?
Differentiating want vs. need...I have almost everything I could possibly need, so why then, do I still want?
With the capabilities of modern medicine couldn't I just have a lobotomy or something where they just turn my 'content' button in my brain on and be done with it? Oh, no...that's right...of course not, that would be way too easy! As if we humans don't have enough to work on!!!

So, I am off... being content.
Like they say, 'What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger'!
Thanks for devoting your time to read my ho-hum, b#@&*-and-moan, absolutely annoying pity party!
More positive posts to come...this is my promise to you! Just had a few things I had to get off my chest so I could begin!