It's been awhile!

To my few, but dearly treasured, readers...
greetings and happy new year!

So...a good bit of time has passed since I last wrote. One might think I should have a ton of new things to talk about, but the truth is I don't!
I know, I know...how extremely boring!

But the reality is I have been chillin' under a rock for the last month or so doing a lot of brainstorming (yes, there is indeed a brain somewhere lodged up in this noggin of mine for those of you who may question the thought of me brainstorming)! Keeping with this theme of mine to "Re-invent myself"- better myself, become someone of substance that my kids might look up to someday, someone my husband might actually look up to too, someone that is worthy...well, has become a bit daunting and overwhelming. The more I attempt to pave the way to this "better person", the more confused and frustrated I get. There is just so, so much I want to change. My biggest problem is I want it all to happen...yesterday!

After many insomnia-ridden nights, and almost frying my brain 'til there was no more, I thought of a quote that I am particularly fond of:
"You cannot push a river, you just have to let it flow" (author unknown).
Well, I have a new goal...learning how to be CONTENT.
I say "learn" because I think this is half my battle!
I am never satisfied with who I am. But, ya know I am just downright sick and tired of not liking myself. It takes a lot of energy to dislike yourself as much as I do. It would be much easier to just find the positives! I mean...I can't be that bad! I have two great kids, who are in part, a piece of me! I love them...why not love myself, right? However, this learning the art of being content thing is going to be a monster challenge. Learning to accept some of the things I wish I was not... Not walking down the street wishing I could look more like her, dress more like that, or be funny like so and so,...well, this is damn near impossible, but I am going to give it a shot! I have to. If I want to be the person my kids will look up to, this self-loathing crap isn't going to get me there what-so-ever! And that's a fact!
I am who I am!
I've got what I've got!
Now I have to learn to live with that!
I have to learn that the feeling of buying that great pair of shoes (that I don't need) is short lived.
And...yes, of course... losing weight will make me feel more confident... but what's a fit body matter when you have a brain full of mush?
Differentiating want vs. need...I have almost everything I could possibly need, so why then, do I still want?
With the capabilities of modern medicine couldn't I just have a lobotomy or something where they just turn my 'content' button in my brain on and be done with it? Oh, no...that's right...of course not, that would be way too easy! As if we humans don't have enough to work on!!!

So, I am off... being content.
Like they say, 'What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger'!
Thanks for devoting your time to read my ho-hum, b#@&*-and-moan, absolutely annoying pity party!
More positive posts to come...this is my promise to you! Just had a few things I had to get off my chest so I could begin!